Transcript:Jasper Dies at the End
David: I just can't believe you kids. Max: Calm down, Space Kid'll be fine. Or he won't! It's fine either way. NIkki: Whoo! I've never seen the jaws of life in action before! Space Kid: Guys, the glue is seeping into my butt! Neil: Pipe down, Space Kid. You're not the only one suffering! We're stuck in this dumb car too. David: And it's only fair. After trapping our poor intrepid camper in there in the first place, He's only trying to get to space. Space Kid: Thank you! David: Now buckle in, kiddos. It's a long drive to Sleepy Peak General. Max: Okay, it's a long trip, but if we stay quiet and don't trigger any of David's long-winded stories, we should- Nikki: Hey David! What's that? David: Oh, this old thing? Well, that takes me back! Back to the day I truly fell in love with Camp Campbell. Neil: Oh, God. Max: WHY. WOULD YOU- David: You see, it all started years ago back when I was a Campbell Camper, just like yourselves. Max: NO, NO, NO, NOOOO- OOOOOOOOOOOOH There's a place I know that's tucked away! A place where you and I can stay! Where we can go to laugh and play And have adventures every day I know it sounds hard to believe But, guys and gals, it's true Camp Campbell is the place for me and you We'll swim through lakes, and climb up trees Catch fish, bugs, bears and honeybees There's endless possibilities And no, that's NOT Hyperbole Our motto's "Campe Diem", and that means I'm tellin' You We've got Archery, Hiking, Search And Rescue, Biking, Horseback, Training-that-will-save-you-from-a-heart-attack, SCUBA Diving, Miming, Keeping up with rhyming, Football, Limbo, Science, Stunting, Pre-Calc, Spaceships, Treasure Hunting, Bomb Defusal, No Refusal, Fantasy, Circus Trapeze And Fights, And Ghosts, And Paints, And Snakes, And Knives, And Chess, And Dance, And Weights It's Camp Camp! Cameron: Camp Campbell campers. How... 's it goin'? Who's ready to honor this year's best camper in our ancient "Order of the Sparrow" ceremony? Cheering Cameron: The order is a time-honored tradition here at Camp Campbell, ever since I won this land in a fair and honest game of charades. So it is my great pleasure to honor our best camper, a real go-getter who pushes above and beyond in every activity, a great leader with a positive attitude. I think you all know who I'm talking about... It's young... Jasper! Jasper: Totally tubular! Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say, We all saw this coming. Cameron: Congratulations, Jasper! Now as we all know, the final step to earning this prestigious rank is... Quartermaster, what's the next step? Quartermaster: It is so writ that the final step is for the leader to guide the young one into the unknown wilds and acquire a branch from the sleepy pine tree using nothing but one's wits and wisdom of the land Cameron: ...Right. So that means...? Quartermaster: Go on a hike, bring back a stick. ???: What a load of H O O E Y! Cameron: Whoa, whoa, who's "hooeying" out there? Davey: Me. Davey. That's who. Gregg: Oh no! Not Davey! Darla: He's such a troublemaker. Gregg: Repulsive. Davey: Heh. Who cares about going out into the dang woods to get closer to dang nature anyway? Cameron: Whoa, careful about throwing those dangs around, Davey. Gregg: Davey, you have so much potential. If only you would apply yourself. Jasper: Yeah, Davey if you actually tried, maybe you could be as good a camper as me, Jasper, the best camper! Davey: There's more to life than camping, Jasper. Don't be such a square. Gasps Jasper: Whoa, Davey, what's your major malfunction? Darla: I have an idea, Mr. Campbell. Why don't we have Davey join you and Jasper on the trek too? Gregg: Great idea, Darla! That would definitely get Davey in the camping spirit. Cameron: Alright. But if he gets lost or something, the legal fees are coming out of your paycheck, Gregg. Gregg: Aw, again? :( Cameron: Okay, kiddos. Let's get out there and Campe Diem! Jasper: This is gonna be off the heezy, huh, Davey? I just hope my fresh kicks don't get too dirty. Look! They're LA Gear light-up shoes! Well, they work better in the dark, I guess. Davey: Yeah, that'll be real handy. I'm sure. Cameron: Are you boys excited for Cameron Campbell, the man Generic Hiking Magazine™ named "Richest Outdoorsman of 1994" to guide you on an adventure? Jasper: Am I excited? That's like asking if those newly announced Star Wars prequels are going to be awesome! Quartermaster: Hold your horses. The ancient ritual decrees nothing but one's own knowledge of the wilderness can be taken on the sacred trek. Cameron: Do what now? Quartermaster: Drop them gizmos. Cameron: Oh. Oh, I see. Jasper: What's wrong, Mr. Campbell? You can still guide us without all that fancy techno stuff, right? Cameron: Well, of course I can, Jasper. I've never used technology on any of my adventures... Except for that time in Burma... ...And Botswana... ...And Nicaragua... ...And Detroit. Jasper: Mr. Campbell? Cameron: Is a gun technology? David: Sigh... Jasper: Mr. Campbell, I know you're the expert here and all but... I feel obligated to point something out. Davey: We are completely lost! Cameron: What? Nonsense! I recognize this tree. Davey: That's because we've walked by it 10 times! Cameron: Really? Hm. Only felt like five. Jasper: Wait, look! It's the Sleepy Pine in all its sleepy glory! Looks like we've done it af- Screams Davey: Oh no! Cameron: Hm? Jasper: Holy shnikes! This is whack! Davey: I'll save ya, Jasper! Jasper: This is not how Jasper's... story... ends! Screams Davey: Jasper! He's dead! He's dead and we witnessed it. Cameron: We didn't witness anything and we'll testify to that. Jasper: Guys? I'm okay! I'm definitely not dead! Cameron: See? He's fine! laughter Let's grab one of those branches, and call this trial donezo. Davey: We can't go back yet. We have to rescue Jasper. Look, I know I'm a bad kid. I'm rotten to the core. But Jasper is the best of us. He deserves to be saved. And even if I'm not as good as he is, I'll be able to look back on this moment some day, while possibly telling this story to some kids in a car on the way to the hospital And be- Neil: Wait, wait, wait. Excuse me? Max: Yeah, there's no way you fucking said that. Nikki: Guys, be quiet. I'm on the edge of my seat. What happened next? David: Well... David: We'd been searching for hours. Davey: We've been searching for hours! Mr. Campbell, do you even know where we're going? Cameron: Of course I do! Look! There's that tree again! Davey: Aw, dang. Mr. Campbell, how are we supposed to track down Jasper? Cameron: Well, I've got this new GPS system, also known as Global Positioning System system. If you can keep your mouth shut, we can track down Jasper in no time. Davey: No way, Jose. We're not going to blow this for Jasper by using technology! Especially when nature has the answer for us right here. Lookie! A stream! Water always follows the path of least resistance. So, in theory, it should be our quickest route down to Jasper . Cameron: Well, if I did everything water did, I wouldn't be a millionaire. I'd just take the shape of my container. Jasper: I hope they follow this stream. Water always takes the path of least resistance. I'm sure Mr. Campbell knows that. How else could he have been voted Richest Outdoorsman of 1994? Rustling That was fast! They've already found me! Hey, home skillets, for a second there, I thought I was in some grave danger. Roar I'm in grave danger! Lay off, maaaaaaaaan! Davey: It's Jasper's LA Gear light-up shoe! He would never leave something as valuable as this behind! Cameron: Well, we tried our best... Time to call for help using my state-of-the-art cellular telephone! You weren't planning on having kids, were you? Davey: Mr. Campbell, this isn't the time to give in and use technology! We have to do it the right way! The honorable way! The way Jasper would want us to do it! Cameron: Wow, that is really inspiring, Davey! So, I'll just have the chopper pick me up by myself then- No! My precious minutes. Davey: We have to save Jasper. Let's find some clues. Cameron: What, like those tracks going into the woods? Davey: Gasp! You're right, Mr. Campbell! Looks like Jasper was dragged away, and there are bear tracks leading into the bushes. Oh, you don't think he's- Cameron: Been adopted by bears? It's unlikely, but I've seen bears do some pretty crazy things before. Davey: Well, let's track him down. The tracks lead up into this cave. Cameron: Excellent. They're probably sleeping after eating their latest hunt. Should be easy as pie to sneak in. Davey: Wait. Do you think Jasper was their latest hunt? Cameron: Oh! Well... I do now. Let's get in there. Davey: It sure is spooky in here. Cameron: Jasper! Are you in here? Jasper: Mr. Campbell? Yes! I'm here! But you need to be quiet. You're going to wake the bears. Cameron: What? I'm afraid you're going to have to speak up. It's too dark in here! That's odd. This cave seems to be coated with some kind of fur-like substance. Davey: Uh, Mr. Campbell... I'm pretty sure that's a b-bear. Oh b-boy, I think we're in trouble. What do we do? Jasper: You got to get me out of here! Davey: We can't! We're surrounded! Cameron: If only I could see! It's just so dark! Davey: Dark... Jasper: Look, they're LA Gear light-up shoes. Well, they work better in the dark, I guess. Davey: That's it! Now's our chance, Mr. Campbell! Cameron: I'm on it! Ah, just like Detroit. Jasper: Jeeze, Mr. Campbell! Davey: Yeah, I just meant now is our chance to grab Jasper and run away, not murder the bears! Cameron: Yes, murder is normally wrong, but I happen to have the perfect spot at my summer home for these two. Let's haul these bad boys back to the camp! ... And then I said, "Ah, just like Detroit." And it's because of his heroic actions that Davey will also be receiving a badge to honor his bravery! Just like Jasper. Davey: Me? Really? Campe Diem! Cheers Wow, what a feeling! I never thought I would come to love nature and camping as much as I do now. I didn't think I was capable of doing all those things, And you! Mr. Campbell, You tried to test me, you wanted me to take the easy way out. You made me apply myself. And we saved Jasper! I finally feel like I reached my full potential and it's all thanks to you! Cameron: Hm? Uh, yeah, kid, whatever you say. Davey: I love Camp Campbell! Quartermaster: Actually, Jasper has been disqualified from the Order, due to illegal use of light-up shoe technology on his trek. Jasper: Aw, what? That stinks. But do I get to keep the badge? Quartermaster: No, you do not. Davey: I think I'll be this happy for the rest of my life! Jasper: Dang. This camp... This camp kind of sucks. Cameron: All right, kids! Let's get back to our activities! Those platypus eggs aren't going to incubate themselves! David: ...and that's how I came to love Camp Campbell! Ah, I love that story. So! What did you kids think? Max: I think we passed the hospital two hours ago. Nikki: Also, we're out of gas. "Flashback" by Richie Branson Category:Transcripts